2 very different people.

Today

Today was easily one of the best days I’ve ever had. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I went to an elementary school to film my school reading to them for Read Across America. I got to read some Dr. Seuss books along with some of my classmates and play around with the kids from the school. They were all so nice and so much fun. I’ve never smiled so much. They gave me notes and hugs and told me I was pretty and asked to hang out. At the end of the day, I was exhausted from all the running, filming, reading, and playing in general, but I didn’t even really notice it at all because I was just sososo happy.

I wish I could do that again. I cannot describe the amount of joy I felt. I’ll post some pictures up later and possibly some videos in a few weeks once Kaitlyn & I get around to editing it. But yeah,

this day made my whole entire week a million times better.

∞

I don’t know why I even bother to complain about anything ever. I seem to be fucked up mentally, mad almost. Don’t know why I bother to care so much and become so emotionally attached to anyone. I’ll always want what I can’t have & I’ll always want an excess of everything. Am I that fucking greedy and insecure that I constantly need reassurance? Do I just pity myself an insane amount and think I deserve constant love and attention and envious stares from others? I don’t believe I will ever end up happy, at least not if my mindset continues on the path it’s on. Someone could love me with all their heart, but it would never be enough. I would become bored, even if I’d desired that person’s affections all my life. I’ll find something that will annoy the shit out of me, will disgust me, will not be adequate enough. If I look deep enough, I really will dislike some sort of thing about them. Someone better — in some way, shape, form, idea in my head — will always come along and steal my glance if I’ve already got what I want. I hate that so fucking much about myself that it makes me want to run a sledgehammer into someone’s cranium. But, not my own, of course. Because, I’m just tooooo good. I’m just someone who deserves the fucking best. Sarcasm doesn’t translate well through written word, but that was it. In case you missed it. I really hope I find a way out of this stupid, selfish hole I’m in. I don’t really deserve anyone. I’m sorry.

∞

Sadness, bitterness, apathy, and doubt have been running my life lately. Of course, there have been days filled with disgusting bouts of intense joy and senses of hope. Earth is starting to fill my toes and I’m not quite sure I like being brought back to reality in such an abrupt fashion. I’ve never been one to view things the way I have been recently. I’m so paranoid, judgmental, negative — full of every trait I hate, that I hardly recognize myself. Falling back into my old, fairy-tale like ways seems ideal right now; never doubting, always looking for the positive, trusting, forgiving, and generous. I miss those things about me so much sometimes. Yet, I feel like having to grow a hard, ugly shell of mine is needed, especially after the things I’ve experienced lately. Everything is becoming far too real and I’m starting to feel a lot more human. I hate that. Running away from it all; the people, the town, the environment, just seems like the best option. Focusing on myself more than anyone else is one of the most stressful and torturous things I’ve ever had the displeasure of doing. I’d much rather spend my energy on helping others create a mean looking shell & building them up than myself. This new Chloe is getting pretty old.

∞

The best dream I probably ever had

I was in New York with the rest of my class mates for the choir trip I’ll be taking in a few weeks. This one guy I’ve had a crush on for a long time talked to me throughout the whole trip. Anywho, later we went to go perform in this chapel during a mass. I couldn’t because I didn’t have black & white clothing, so I stayed outside and spoke with some other people. They told me that since I couldn’t perform, I should go with them to another place that I could. I agreed & surprisingly, they took me to audition for The Voice. I sang & I made it through. Adam Levine said he had recognized me from when I had apparently met him a couple years back. I was almost pissing myself of happiness that I had made it, but none of my parents were, but whatever. I went into some room and my brothers were babies for some reason. Even when weird shit like this happens in dreams, I never realize it’s not real. I just accept things. Anywaysssssssss. THEN, I guess I had my own car and had to drop off my friend Bethany at the park. I had a pretty sweet fucking car. THENNNN, Kaitlyn and I went to Diamond Bar to go to this reptile store. THERE WERE FUCKING PICKLED ELEPHANT TRUNKS. I don’t even know why. & the trunks were connected to this human head thing. Dude, I don’t know. I didn’t question it. Then we grabbed some snakes and stuff and one looked exactly like a dinosaur motherfucker. Kaitlyn stole a fish too. Then we left and we stood in front of a taco store thing. I forgot what else happened.

But yeah, it doesn’t sound that great, but it really was fantastic in my head.

∞

If you need marijuana,

or any other kind of drug, substance, whatever to function daily,

I honestly feel so so so sorry for you.

∞