Alright, so, big decision time.
I’m really going to start trying to apply simple practices and kind words into my daily routine.
It’s so easy to take things for granted & I’ve realized that. Every day I seem to catch myself moaning & complaining about something. Whether it be my disliking for a certain cereal or a disagreement that ensued with a family member. I’ve very recently felt overwhelmed by negativity, mostly my own. I’ve become very self-centered and extremely cold hearted. More often than I’d like to admit, I try to change myself. I hope this isn’t another fickle attempt at fluctuating into someone I will never fully be, but I think it will help my sanity in the long run. I will try harder to say kinder words, to suppress the venom I tend to spit out at others without thinking, and to take into consideration how my future self will reflect on the actions I take now.
There is a quote I read a long time ago that I think I will now put into my own life,
“Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.”
This will really be difficult since I, unfortunately, seem to have a mind full of negative comments and harsh criticism. Although I wasn’t always this way, I hope that through practice I can somewhat reverse these poisonous thoughts and perhaps start a brighter chapter this year.
People are tiring, people are fickle. I’ve been guilty of these traits myself, yet I can’t seem to look past the faults of others. My interest in others is fleeting and I find myself alone at the end of each night, regardless if I share the bed with another. I am sick of the emptiness I feel in the beginning of each relationship, the middle of each kiss, and the end of every conversation. Love is a gift I shall not soon receive, and I’ve learned to accept that. All I must learn to do now is make my solitude bearable.
It’s funny how much I’ve changed in such a short amount of time. I’ve morphed into this rather apathetic, ‘stone-hearted’ femme, which has taken some getting used to. A little over a year ago I would have given my heart to anyone who showed a considerable amount of attention to me or seemed as though they could use my help. I’ve always been one to try to save a lost cause, which has always been my downfall. I’ve always tried to be ‘knight in shining armor’.This new me is rather bothersome. I miss being fragile. I miss being impressionable. I miss the me that never doubted. I seem to have lost everything soft and replaced it with steel. Nothing is felt now, rather calculated. My heart has been shushed by my brain. This could all very well be temporary, and I hope it is. Not until now have I learned to value the delicacy of one’s heart and emotions. Ever since I was young, I’ve always gone through constant phases of being ‘reborn’ in one way or another. I suppose if I do resort back to my old self, I’ll just wish to become cold hearted once again. I’ve never been an easy one to please, so I suppose I’ll always be trying to ‘fix’ myself and the way I react to things.
Some days I just have those moments where I have to vocalize my love for certain people. I’ve spoken about my immense love for Regina Spektor more than once on this blog & hell, I just need to do it again. I cannot thank that woman enough for the contributions she’s had on my life. I’m sure I’m not the only soul she’s impacted, but one day I’d like to add on to her list of people who have thanked her in person. I don’ think there’s anyone else in this world who has inspired me more or moved me in a deeper sense. Her music has helped me through the toughest of heartbreaks, lulled me to sleep when I needed it most, shifted my moods into greater ones, and invoked great thought upon the widest arrays of topics. I simply love that woman to no end. The beauty she radiates through her words, lyrics, persona, and image are all so very, very inspiring and refreshing. I am so thankful to have found her music and would very much like to shake her hand before I leave this life.
I wonder if people ever think about how easily people can leave our lives and how we choose to let that happen.
If you leave things off in a note of anger & insults, shouldn’t that make you feel terrible? Tomorrow is never promised & that person could be gone in a heartbeat. Would you really like to have a conversation full of spite and bitterness to be the last memory you have of that person?
I may be over analyzing, but I always think of this and believe strongly in watching the words that you say. I never try to hold grudges and I try my best to not leave on sour notes.
Just thought I’d say that
I haven’t been feeling well lately, at least not mentally. I won’t be on tumblr as often as I have been before, at least not until I feel better. I’ll probably just post pictures or updates here & there about graduation, summer, whatever.
I really wish I could describe to you the way I feel & exactly what’s been going on in my head lately, but I refuse to let myself do that. Tumblr has recently struck a nerve in me wanting me to become a bit more private. I’m so open to you all that most take advantage of it & it’s caused a lot of real-life issues. I’m no longer comfortable with a majority of you.
I’m sorry for those of you who appreciate me being an open book and who enjoy hearing the details of my life. Maybe I’ll go back to doing that, but I just can’t right now.
See you when I see you. x
You know that kind of love that inspires men to write songs about how wonderful a woman is? The kind of song that tries to capture the light that the woman brings to their life and the immense amount of care they have for her?
I don’t think I’ll ever really meet anyone who would ever feel that sort of emotion for me.
Not that it’s a problem, it’s just something that ran past my mind.
